


Holidays

by Peppermint_candies



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hellfire!Ward, but its kinda breifly mentioned so far, mostly Ward-centric, not really sorry, whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-10-02 11:06:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10216601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peppermint_candies/pseuds/Peppermint_candies
Summary: Its the first time in a long time that he’s attended or even been invited to any Shield functions but he guesses the whole triple agent, plus being inhuman kinda makes it hard to actually be liked by them…





	1. New Years

**Author's Note:**

> So... Here some semi non-finished mess of a angsty Holiday fic thing.

He isn’t quite sure what to think. Its the first time in a long time that he’s attended or even been invited to any Shield functions but he guesses the whole triple agent, plus being inhuman kinda makes it hard to actually be liked by them…

And he’s people skills are still very much a poop emoji. At least that is what he’s been told by the few people still speaking to him.

But here he is standing awkwardly by the bar holding a beer trying to act like he doesn’t know his invite was just whoever invited him being nice, or possible an accident all together.

He spots her almost instantly she stands out in her shimmer silver dress. It stands out nicely against her skin and he just wants to be anywhere but there.

Its hard to be in the same room with her. He wants so badly to walk back across the room and kiss her senseless like he’s been wanting to do for years.

He knows the second she sees him cause she freezes and stares back. Her face contorting into a scowl and he just decides its best he leaves.

A half full beer wasted for twenty minutes of awkwardly standing around as the end of the year party is in full swing.

Moving to a less crowded hallway, one those who are still working occasionally use to pass from one office to the other he just stands there with his back against the wall thinking hard about how all of this is stupid. Loosening the tie that he put on just because he was trying to look nice, trying to not be a out of place he decides the best place to be is that tiny bar just outside of the base that most the agents frequent from time to time.

The bartender there always invites him to visit for the holidays.

-

The bar isn’t exactly a place you wear a suit but the regulars in their tee shirts and jeans don’t seem to mind as he takes a seat at the bar and orders himself some scotch. He hates that drink now but its strong enough to numb his thoughts.

“You look like hell my friend.” The bartender says placing the drink in front of him.

“Yeah well… When you run into your ex and its better to leave before we caused a scene…” He shrugs taking a sip. “Specially when the last time we spoke it resulted in her telling me to go to hell…” He mutters.

“She wouldn’t happen to be this young gal in the silver dress would she?” The bartender asks quietly as he nods towards the woman entering.

Its her and he sighs. “Yeah….”

“What the hell.” She snaps when she reaches him. Yanking at his arm to get her to face him. “What the hell are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking instead of ruining your night I’d leave and get a drink before going to bed.” He replies. He hates celebrating New Years. He only came to the Shield thing because he had nothing better to do.

“That’s is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Look its clear you hate me still. I get it, I fucked up and I’m not running away from you or anyone. I am giving you guys your space and following my orders.”

“Orders? Who the hell ordered you away from us?”

“Not us. You. And who do you think? Its understandable. I fucked up and have to deal with it.”

“Coulson has no right to order you away from me, or any of us.” She snaps back. Its has to be the alcohol he’s had because he isn’t backing down this time. Taking another sip he pulls his arm away finally.

“Yeah well… Since I’m just a paper pusher I can’t do shit. Go back to the party Daisy.” He says finally before turning away.

“Daisy…” She mumbles quietly.

“That’s your name isn’t it?”

“You never call me Daisy.” She says quietly and he can hear the hurt in her voice.

“I have to now.” He mumbles and the bartender looks at them like its the saddest love story he’s ever seen. It probably is one of them.

“Fine. You are an asshole Ward. A complete asshole.” She snaps before she leaves.

The bartender looks at him and has to be wondering why on earth he’s still sitting here. “It’s better this way. I’d rather her hate me than her expecting me to be the right guy for her.”


	2. Valentines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is one picture on his desk. Its one of the team, he ended up taking it back when they were on the bus. Before the bullshit happened and he was still very much accepted on the team.
> 
> Its one picture in a cracked frame that he refuses to replace. It serves as his reminder of better days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angsty unfinished shit because it makes this is what i usually end up writing.

He stares at the sickening colours of pink and red that are all over the office. His desk distinctly lacking any of then pink and red festive colours or decorations.

There is one picture on his desk. Its one of the team, he ended up taking it back when they were on the bus. Before the bullshit happened and he was still very much accepted on the team.

Its one picture in a cracked frame that he refuses to replace. It serves as his reminder of better days.

He doesn’t bother even acknowledging the box on his desk probably from some of the newer paper pushers, like him. The women, the newer women in the office giggle and blush around him and he’s tired of it.

He doesn’t care if they think he’s cute or whatever. He has no desire to see them other than to place the correct paperwork on their desks.

He doesn’t acknowledge the invites to have drinks afterwork with a couple of the new agents that are single.

He really just wants to get his paperwork filed and go back to his very black and white quarters and sleep instead of face the pinks and reds of Valentine’s day.

Many would have thought New Years was his most hated holiday but it wasn’t Valentine’s Day where he held on to the small gift he’s gotten for Skye. They never made it to Valentine’s day, they didn’t even last five days before everything went to hell.

But he had a gift for her, he still has it. Except he’s starting to think holding on to it isn’t worth it anymore.

Her words at New Years still ring in his head and he sighs.

-

He didn’t exactly expect to run into her. Both of them going down he scrambles to not hurt her but he feels his back make a sickening cracking noise as he spins them last second.

Its all he can do to not groan in pain but he lays there as she scrambles to get up.

“Are you okay?”

“I… No…” He groans finally. He just sighs finally and rolls slowly to his side out of the way of any foot traffic.

It takes him a couple more moments to get up and his back pops again. Its a relief to feel it popping back into place.

“You should have medical look at your back.” Skye says and he shrugs. He’s had worse and medical didn’t bother to look him over. Skye glances over his shoulder into his office as if she’s looking for someone.

“You looking for someone?”

“No.” She says finally before looking back. “Wanted to make sure your posse wasn’t gonna like come attack me.”

“They are more scared of you than you are of them.” He answers almost automatically because he has to listen to how “Quake” honestly scares the women in his office more than any other girl and that its not fair she has a cute boyfriend.

He just sighs before moving forward. “I’ll see you around… I’ve gotta get back to paperwork.” He says and limps his way back to his desk.

“Seriously get medical to check that out… Or at the very least Jemma.”

-

He doesn’t bother getting his back checked the dull ache stopped once he sat down. Opening his draw he glances at the small box. Sighs before pulling it out and setting it by his computer monitor. He needs to do something with it.

By the end of the day he decides he’ll just give it too her. It wasn’t anything super special he reasons, just a replacement of her necklace back on the bus.

Its not hard to find her. She’s with the Team and he just sighs before calling her over. “Daisy?” He says slowly, he hates calling her by that name but if it keeps everything from going to hell again he’ll do it. She glances at him and he smiles and holds up a stack of paperwork. “Just need these signed.” He adds.

Its enough to pull her away from the Team who all look at him a carefully. None of them trust him and its fine. He wouldn’t trust himself if he did half the things he’s done to them.

But Skye follows before nodding towards a table just outside of the Teams hearing range.

“What?” She hisses and he hands her the paperwork.

“I do actually need you to sign these.” He says shrugging a little. Then he pulls the necklace from his pocket. “This is for you… Kinda as an I’m sorry I fucked everything up and totally understand if you hate me still present. You don’t have to take it or even keep it…”

She stares at the necklace then back at him. “That person is dead.”

“That’s not why I’m giving this to you. I am being honest here. I’m trying to own up to my many fuck ups. I’ve already done time. I’m not trying to work my way back it. Hell I’ve had this for a couple years now.” Ward rambles but he stops suddenly and looks away. “If you don’t want it tell me and I’ll leave.”

Its quiet and he just stares at his hand holding the necklace. “I don’t want it.”

“Okay.” He says and glances at the papers she signed. “Thank you for signing these. Have a good evening Agent Johnson.” He says its loud enough the others can here him as he turns to leave he catches sight of the look on her face. Confused and disappointment cross her face and he shrugs. “I’m sorry to have bothered you.” He adds before he’s out the door.

Necklace safely returned to his pocket and he sighs, runs a hand over his face and moves along back to his desk.

He files the remaining files quickly before logging out of his computer, he wishes the older women, the ones who constantly think they are whispering when they aren’t about him, a good night.

Then he leaves. He half thought about going to the little dive bar he likes to frequent but decided against facing the pinks and reds and whites of Valentine’s day. At least in his bunk he can drink in the peace and comfort of the black and white scheme of his room.

-

Its exactly what he does. But instead he grabs a book and reads while sipping on some whiskey, he sees the magic of the books and how they’d appeal to anyone. He finds himself lost in the world of a boy who lived and now spends his days just trying to survive school.

He’s about half way through the second book when there is a loud knock on his door, it doesn’t go away either but he doesn’t bother to get up, eventually they would either give up and leave or just break in anyways.

His door slides open and he briefly glances up at the intruder. She’s standing there glaring at him as he continues to read.

“What the actual fuck!” She yells and he sighs closes his book and looks at her. She’s dresses nicely like she’s ready to go out but changed her mind last second. “Who told you that you could bring that shit up? Huh? What gave you the right to bring up something we’re all trying to forget!”

“I’m… It not… Daisy.” He struggles to find the right words. “I didn’t bring it up because I don’t want anything other than to give you something I’ve been trying to give your for the past three years.”

“You have no right! I… I… I have a boyfriend!”

“Yeah and? Its not like I’m professing my undying love to you and begging you to leave him. I was trying to give you something that once meant something to you.” He snaps back finally. “I’m well aware there will be nothing now or ever between us. I get that. I don’t know why you don’t seem to understand that. Dais-Skye…” He can’t find the right words as he stops to think.

He’s frustrated as over her outbursts. “If I was that desperate for your attention I would have looked for it. The only thing I want from you is to sign the papers I need you to sign and at least be nice to my face.”

All she can do is stare at him shocked. Surprised that he even has it in him to yell at her like this. “I’ve already come to the conclusion I don’t get the girl, become the super cool hero, or even get a dog. I have already accepted that its no big deal. I’ll live.”

“You shouldn’t have to just settle…” She says finally.

“I kind of have to. The only person I’ve ever wanted doesn’t want me. Don’t even start either I’m not trying to make a pity party about me. I’m stating facts. I’ve screwed up and I’ve accepted I’ve screwed up. You can’t change how you feel and I can’t change how I feel.” He shrugs.

“Stop! Stop doing this! Stop showing up just when I thought I was over you!” Skye says finally. Its clear she’s upset and he sighs. He’s been trying since he came back. He wants her to be the comfortable one.

“Don’t you think I’ve been trying? I have a standing transfer request that Coulson shuts down because he wants to keep me close. You know the whole keep your friends close but enemies closer spiel. I’ve been trying for ages to get out of the base, away from all of you. Not for my sake but yours. Coulson won’t have any of it always citing I’m outta sight outta mind for you but he’s seem to have forgotten I deal with your paperwork. Some sick person assigned me to handle all your paperwork.” He explains.

“Not your sake? How would it not be for your sake? You’d be out from under us! You’d do whatever the hell you want!”

“I’m pretty sure there won’t be some sort of seal uprising…” He mutters and she looks at him confused. “I asked to be transferred to the hub no one wants to be at because its in the middle of no fucking where, the Arctic. Population 5 plus a couple thousand seals.”

“Why?”

“Outta sight, outta mind… I could probably wander off one day, freeze to death and no one would think twice.”

“That morbid.” She says quietly as she think about it for a second.

“Its true though. There is no other motive other than trying to make you, all of you as happy as possible. I figured most of you would like the idea of me freezing my ass off in the middle of no where with nothing to do.”


	3. Memeorial Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> St Patrick's day, Easter, and Cinco de Mayo all are a blur for him. He recalls getting pinched for not wearing green, a small sad looking TV dinner for Easter, and an entire day holed up in his bunk with a bottle of tequila for Cinco. 
> 
> Its when Memorial day rolls around that it feels like the world is imploding on him again.

St Patrick's day, Easter, and Cinco de Mayo all are a blur for him. He recalls getting pinched for not wearing green, a small sad looking TV dinner for Easter, and an entire day holed up in his bunk with a bottle of tequila for Cinco.

 

Its when Memorial day rolls around that it feels like the world is imploding on him again. The wall of Valor blown to pieces in the Hydra invasion. Names not added to the list that should be there. 

 

He spends a solid forty five minutes stand at their makeshift wall staring at the names wondering how many of the newest names were his own doing. 

 

He starts at Eric Koenig and moves forward from there. The numbers had raised, he knew it would. But it makes him sick to see another thousand names added. He doesn’t notice the other Koenig brothers until it's almost too late. Stepping away he’s aware his actions can never be forgiven so he simply steps out of their way and murmurs his unaccepted apology before disappearing back to his desk. 

 

Most everyone else busy with Memorial day related things so his office is empty and he prefers that. He takes a few moments before settling into some paperwork he needed to finish. 

 

“It's a holiday. You shouldn’t be working.”

 

“I figured I’m more useful here then out there in the cafeteria…” Ward mutters back before looking up to find Coulson standing there.

 

“I guess that’s true…” Coulson replies before glancing around Ward’s desk. It’s customary for Coulson to scan his desk for any potential breach of trust. There never is one. Ward knows better. But Coulson does spot a sheet of paper, one with a handful of names. Names that are also on the Wall. “What’s this?”

 

Ward doesn’t even look up as Coulson untacks it from the hidden place on his bulletin board. “A reminder.” He say simply. “I’ve made many mistakes in my life but those are the ones I regret the most. None them deserved what I did.” 

 

“No they didn’t.” Coulson agrees before tacking the paper back up then leaves Ward with his paperwork.

 

* * *

 

He doesn’t know how much time has passed but he assumes enough. One of the few windows in the base is dark. He enjoys the fact that the day has finally wound down and he can take his time walking to his bunk. At least he thought so. But there is what’s left of the Koenig brothers standing in his way, much like any time they see each other they confront him. He just lets them. He cannot bring their brother back but if he could he’d trade places in a heartbeat. He knows they would never forgive him. 

 

“I am sorry.” He says finally as they have a stare down. He breaks first every time. 

 

“Sorry doesn’t bring him back.” 

 

“Neither does staring me down.” Grant sighs. Both brothers back down a little then and move out of his way. He moves slowly between them. Unarmed he feels a little exposed but Coulson made it clear he can’t have a weapon while on Shield property. Not that it matters that much. 

 

* * *

  
The rest of the evening passes in a haze of Scotch and really bad TV because he wants to drown out the silence for once. But at least it’s pretty quiet for the most part. He counts it for a small win. No Daisy to yell at him over something and certainly no running into anyone but the Koenig brothers. He’ll have a hangover in the morning but that doesn't bother him much. He’d take it. 


End file.
